I'm not intending to publish this post for some reasons (I'm getting 13 tracking requests per day)
It is just 15 days since I last booked into Tekong for my Basic Military Training. In the past 15 days, so many things have changed. Just 15 days (I have to reiterate), and we 'no longer' friends.
Less(None) for you and more(All) for myself?
I spent so much time on you that I didn't have enough time to think about myself. I didn't have enough time to rest and sleep in camp. For at least 5 days, I wondered and pondered upon myself what the future holds for both of us. My eyes was wide open at night, with my spectacles on, looking all around the environment I'm in. Some crazy ideas did came into my mind to how to win you back and everything. I've even planned my time on weekends to accomplish those crazy ideas that I have.
That's when I felt that I'm no longer myself. I felt that I was no longer happy and constantly distracted by things happening around me.
[Remember I once told you that the reason I joined the three of you (Lemuel, Jing Hao, and yourself) was that only with you people, I'm myself?]
You might be someone that I like and love, but if I'm with you and I cannot be myself but have to act and lie about my feelings, emotions and even decisions, then it is not going to work.
[It should all happen naturally. Unless you like/love me for who I am now, and not who I will be a few months later. Because I'm certain that I love the old you, and I don't know the current you. If you ask me to wait for a few months, you won't know me that well by then, and same for myself]
You don't expect us to work backwards together just to get back those feelings, isn't it?
Just like in the past, you love me for who I am, not for what I did for you. Even though I seldom did make you happy, it was mutual and voluntary. We both give and take a little from each other, then slowly built up trust. It was all natural, there was no string(s) pulling us together, but we continued on into building that bridge and pulling each other up when either one of us fell of the bridge while building it. This IS supposedly the start of a strong and loving boy-girl relationship for both of us. A strong and indestructible bridge built and maintained by both of us.
Myself as a backup (a wobbly backup)?
Do you really want me back after you broke up with him? if anything turns sour with him? if you realize that you no longer love him? if you regretted your decision? if anything else OR it is just that you don't want to lose a friend? A friend that you once said that you can't live without?
Did I just land myself in friendzone? You kept telling me that you needed more time to think about these issues. You told me that you was pressurized and confused not knowing what to do. Are you just trying to drag time so you can then let me go gracefully? To me, it should be quite straightforward. It is either you go with that guy or you go with him or you go with neither. Since you are so certain that you love him so much, what's bothering you with your decision. It is just a simple answer to a simple question that can only be answered by the inner you (your heart?).
Shouldn't it be that if your parents disallow both of you seeing each other, you two should work together to get it all sorted out? Shouldn't it be that if he's going back to his country after a few months, you two take every chance to be able to meet again? Shouldn't it be that if the whole world rejects both of you being together, you two will still try everything in the world left to stay together? It is the true meaning of love isn't it? That is the reason why I don't understand why you can tell me that you are breaking up with him after 4 months, and you can still distinctively tell me that it's going to be 4 months at maximum.
If you are leaving me now for him, how can I be assured that you won't do it again next time? Considering that I should still be in NS after 4 months, wouldn't it be the same as now? Do not tell me that I will have more time for things like this after my POP, cause I think I will never have enough time for myself and us for this two years. Time is never enough, it is how you plan your time for people that you love.
I cannot guarantee that our love would be as 'fiery and intense' as his one with you right now. Because ours was never 'fiery and intense', it is more of cultivating love and building towards something better.
Why I love you?
There are many reasons why I love you. I wouldn't say you look pretty but I would say you look acceptable (at least to me). You are not dependant on people and depend on yourself for many things (That's a quality that I think many girls don't have). You are very caring and a good listening ear for me many of the time. You can listen to my problems for hours and hours without getting bored while still staying attentive. After all these years we've been together, I more or less know what kind of person you are. I've always felt comfortable with you around. I speak my mind to you most of the time without having the fear that I would make you angry. I never actually needed anything from you. What I needed is just time communicating and talking to you, going out together and those simple things that we do together most of the time.
I think to sum it all up, the love that I have for you is definitely not your physical appearance, but that inner beauty of yours.
Why am I giving up now?
I am giving up because I cannot see my future with you. You are also so far in front that you cannot even see me in using your rear view mirror. If we are really meant to be, we will be together next time. There's no point wasting my efforts on someone whom the heart is no longer with me. You can't pick two. And you picking him shows that he holds more of you than myself.
(Sometimes the duration isn't the deciding factor)
I wouldn't talk about the things that I've found out because that's for you to find out next time. I also don't want to spoil the fun for you.
There are also much more things that you don't know about me and things that I wanted to share to you about myself but didn't get the chance (I think even Mandy don't know?)
I cannot bring myself to accept a girl who comes back after dating another man for 4 months. It is like a two direction road. You pick the left, and the left path will never meet the right path. If that girl have already dated numerous guy before but we two fall in love, I'm able to accept. It is just that when you tell me that you go date others then come back later, that I cannot bring myself to accept. It is not because I don't love you enough. It is just not right.
*OM NOM* Munching on my MacDonald's Sweet Corn right now...
At least it's sweet, not bitter and sad like this post...
As always, take care and I'll see you soon :)
Able to write today because I got more free time. Things are still going on normally. I got multiple blisters on my foot that is extremely painful. I don't now how long they will take to recover, but I'm thinking they will never recover considering that I have to run 3km a day.
Starting to get used to the life in NS now. The warm up is like another 2.4km run. It is extremely painful to do. And before the run, my body will already be aching all over. Still, I managed to run my 3km today. I have only 5 minutes left so I'll end here
As always, take care and I'll see you soon
Just reached the ferry terminal. I was late for the 6pm ferry therefore I have to wait till 7.30pm for the ferry. My time in mainland have been short yet fulfilling. I didn't managed to meet any of my friends at all. But I did manage to meet my mum. Who helped me in getting my clothes washed and dried.
I was on taxi just now and heard a song that I loved a lot. It brought me back to remember how much I loved listening to music. I don't have time to listen to music right now. All I have is training training and training. I really hope that these few months will be kind to me and I will go through all of these without any hiccups.
I'm probably writing my last post right now before booking into my coy. I won't have time to write post like this in camp. So I try to write as many as possible today. I really miss mainland and my loved ones. The doctor at NUH gave me a letter for me to give to my medical officer in camp to allow me to eat my medicine before meals for 3 months.
3 months later, I would most probably still be doing my BMT. It's sad that even a medical appointment is shorter than my time serving in Tekong.
I miss each and every of my loved ones :(
I found out who stalked my blog and what is used. I'll just leave it there for now...
As always, take care and I'll see you soon.
I will be spending my birthday in Tekong doing my NS. I never really celebrate my birthday, and no one actually cared for me enough to celebrate my birthday with me. This year, I can't even though I want to celebrate my birthday. My buddy's birthday is just tomorrow. In fact, I think we received our enlistment letter together, and enlisted together and became buddies. I think I have the best buddy in my platoon. My buddy have always been there for me. We look after each other for everything. We eat every meal in camp together. Yesterday, we had a buddy aid lesson. It's all about saving buddy when buddy is injured. We had such a fun time together. He was strong enough to carry me all around the place even though he was much shorter than me. He swirled me round and round and round, we had so much fun. I believe we will go through much more throughout our life in Tekong.
My birthday wish this year is to keep my loved ones close to me and to never let them go again (if I did let them go before, because I NEVER did)
Happy Birthday to my buddy and Happy Birthday to myself! I've never felt being appreciated by my friends since long ago. And my parents continue to give me extra money than to bring me out to celebrate. I guess I could say that no one cares for me, at all. Let's see whether my sergeant knows it's my birthday on the 18th or not.
All the best to everyone out there. Enjoy being in the mainland and stay safe.
As always, take care and I'll see you soon.
I just booked out from Tekong for my medical appointment at NUH. I went home to take my appointment card for NUH, washed clothes, and took new set of civilian clothing. Even though it's just merely 4 days of serving in NS. It feels like a few years. I'm so tired. Waking up early and not getting enough sleep at night. I keep waking up in the middle of the night. I also had nightmare yesterday that made me wake up at 3am in the night. NS is extremely stressful for a person like me, who spend most of my time in front of the computer, reading tech articles, and programming work. The transition to military life is hell. Everything is strict and no freedom is given. I also read that NS is on the headlines recently regarding a NS enlistee or something. I feel so disconnected to the rest of the world. Everything which was just a click of a button on my phone became something I can only do at night. I get so less time for my own things. I cannot even have time to shower at times. Shirt and uniforms have to be reworn numerous times. I think too much about the future. Since at night is the only time that I can lie down, relax, and think of things (and I think too much)
This is something every guy in Singapore have to do. Therefore, I am no exception. I feel constricted. Feel like crying everyday and night. Sometimes I feel alone, other than my buddy, no one actually understands me. I have no one other than my platoon mates and section mates to talk to. I've lost people that I can communicate well with, and I'm constantly making new friends to cover that hole. It is not wise to spend so much time on that one person when they can just leave you when you need them most. I've leant it the hard way. Although it was partly my fault, but it is just unexpected. It all came at the wrong time. It happened when I was so desperate, so in need of time. I'm now in Singapore mainland and everything feels so different. I'm going to just let nature take it's course.
Treasure those that are around you, and those who are there for you. Because you never know when you will lose them, even if you think they might not matter much to you.
I do understand that everything I'm going through now will make me a better person in the future. It is the duty of every guy in Singapore to do their part to protect Singapore and also their loved ones. I'm interested to see what I will achieve in these 4 months (PTP and BMT) and 20 months (after POP). The above is just a price to pay for every guy like me for the safety and peace that everyone in Singapore is enjoying.
I love my loved ones and will do my best to play my part in protecting them.
As always, take care and I'll see you soon
Going to NS tomorrow. I went out today and got everything I need for enlistment tomorrow. I still have no idea whether I should be happy or sad about the fact that I'm enlisting tomorrow. Hopefully, everything will be alright and a few months will pass quickly.
The thought is up on my mind again to give everything up. Since I'm going NS tomorrow, should I really give everything up? I feel so vexed and I think I'm unable to focus on anything during my NS
But if you close your eyes, does it almost feel like nothing changed at all? And if you close your eyes, does it almost feel like you've been here before?
Disappointed soul :/
I've added a tracker on my website as I know that there are people out there using RSS/feeder like services to stalk my website and generating fake views. I might consider adding password to completely lock out the page in the near future.
Signing off @ 9.22pm
As always, take care and I'll see you soon (after a few months?)
Will try to report live from Pulau Tekong later! Hopefully I can take pictures on my way :) Stay tuned
As always, take care and I'll see you soon
Hi everyone. It had been a while since I last posted anything here on my blog. I was working at HP for about a month when I received a notification to enlist on 12 June. I was really enjoying working at HP, as I had the chance to work with computers everyday. Still, no one could save me from the fact that I'm enlisting soon. I told my employer that I will be quitting to serve NS.
I will be spending my birthday in NS, as there will be a two weeks confinement for new recruits.
Today, I went out with a 'girl' friend of mine to 'celebrate' my upcoming birthday and to meet for the last time before my NS. We went to eat at a restaurant at Westgate (I forgot the restaurant's name, or maybe I don't even know the name to begin with). It was kind of interesting as we are presented with a bowl of ingredients to BBQ ourself. The ingredients are chicken, pork, scallop, lettuce, and pumpkin? After eating, we walked around the Westgate/JEM area. Coincidentally, saw Matt who happened to be there at well. I didn't see him for quite a while and he is already a grown up young man. (It's only when I see people grow up, then I slowly start to realize that I'm getting old)
Oh, before I forget. I've just renewed my website for another year :) and also worked out some of the kinks on my website. I'm trying very hard to maintain this website. I earn absolutely nothing and I have to keep spending
Signing off @ 4:23am
As always, take care and I'll see you soon...
Updated: 12 March 2021
Dazhong Primary School
Bukit View Secondary School
(Diploma in Computer Engineering)
University of Wollongong
(Bachelor of Computer Science - Digital System Security with Distinction)