I'm not intending to publish this post for some reasons (I'm getting 13 tracking requests per day)
It is just 15 days since I last booked into Tekong for my Basic Military Training. In the past 15 days, so many things have changed. Just 15 days (I have to reiterate), and we 'no longer' friends.
Less(None) for you and more(All) for myself?
I spent so much time on you that I didn't have enough time to think about myself. I didn't have enough time to rest and sleep in camp. For at least 5 days, I wondered and pondered upon myself what the future holds for both of us. My eyes was wide open at night, with my spectacles on, looking all around the environment I'm in. Some crazy ideas did came into my mind to how to win you back and everything. I've even planned my time on weekends to accomplish those crazy ideas that I have.
That's when I felt that I'm no longer myself. I felt that I was no longer happy and constantly distracted by things happening around me.
[Remember I once told you that the reason I joined the three of you (Lemuel, Jing Hao, and yourself) was that only with you people, I'm myself?]
You might be someone that I like and love, but if I'm with you and I cannot be myself but have to act and lie about my feelings, emotions and even decisions, then it is not going to work.
[It should all happen naturally. Unless you like/love me for who I am now, and not who I will be a few months later. Because I'm certain that I love the old you, and I don't know the current you. If you ask me to wait for a few months, you won't know me that well by then, and same for myself]
You don't expect us to work backwards together just to get back those feelings, isn't it?
Just like in the past, you love me for who I am, not for what I did for you. Even though I seldom did make you happy, it was mutual and voluntary. We both give and take a little from each other, then slowly built up trust. It was all natural, there was no string(s) pulling us together, but we continued on into building that bridge and pulling each other up when either one of us fell of the bridge while building it. This IS supposedly the start of a strong and loving boy-girl relationship for both of us. A strong and indestructible bridge built and maintained by both of us.
Myself as a backup (a wobbly backup)?
Do you really want me back after you broke up with him? if anything turns sour with him? if you realize that you no longer love him? if you regretted your decision? if anything else OR it is just that you don't want to lose a friend? A friend that you once said that you can't live without?
Did I just land myself in friendzone? You kept telling me that you needed more time to think about these issues. You told me that you was pressurized and confused not knowing what to do. Are you just trying to drag time so you can then let me go gracefully? To me, it should be quite straightforward. It is either you go with that guy or you go with him or you go with neither. Since you are so certain that you love him so much, what's bothering you with your decision. It is just a simple answer to a simple question that can only be answered by the inner you (your heart?).
Shouldn't it be that if your parents disallow both of you seeing each other, you two should work together to get it all sorted out? Shouldn't it be that if he's going back to his country after a few months, you two take every chance to be able to meet again? Shouldn't it be that if the whole world rejects both of you being together, you two will still try everything in the world left to stay together? It is the true meaning of love isn't it? That is the reason why I don't understand why you can tell me that you are breaking up with him after 4 months, and you can still distinctively tell me that it's going to be 4 months at maximum.
If you are leaving me now for him, how can I be assured that you won't do it again next time? Considering that I should still be in NS after 4 months, wouldn't it be the same as now? Do not tell me that I will have more time for things like this after my POP, cause I think I will never have enough time for myself and us for this two years. Time is never enough, it is how you plan your time for people that you love.
I cannot guarantee that our love would be as 'fiery and intense' as his one with you right now. Because ours was never 'fiery and intense', it is more of cultivating love and building towards something better.
Why I love you?
There are many reasons why I love you. I wouldn't say you look pretty but I would say you look acceptable (at least to me). You are not dependant on people and depend on yourself for many things (That's a quality that I think many girls don't have). You are very caring and a good listening ear for me many of the time. You can listen to my problems for hours and hours without getting bored while still staying attentive. After all these years we've been together, I more or less know what kind of person you are. I've always felt comfortable with you around. I speak my mind to you most of the time without having the fear that I would make you angry. I never actually needed anything from you. What I needed is just time communicating and talking to you, going out together and those simple things that we do together most of the time.
I think to sum it all up, the love that I have for you is definitely not your physical appearance, but that inner beauty of yours.
Why am I giving up now?
I am giving up because I cannot see my future with you. You are also so far in front that you cannot even see me in using your rear view mirror. If we are really meant to be, we will be together next time. There's no point wasting my efforts on someone whom the heart is no longer with me. You can't pick two. And you picking him shows that he holds more of you than myself.
(Sometimes the duration isn't the deciding factor)
I wouldn't talk about the things that I've found out because that's for you to find out next time. I also don't want to spoil the fun for you.
There are also much more things that you don't know about me and things that I wanted to share to you about myself but didn't get the chance (I think even Mandy don't know?)
I cannot bring myself to accept a girl who comes back after dating another man for 4 months. It is like a two direction road. You pick the left, and the left path will never meet the right path. If that girl have already dated numerous guy before but we two fall in love, I'm able to accept. It is just that when you tell me that you go date others then come back later, that I cannot bring myself to accept. It is not because I don't love you enough. It is just not right.
*OM NOM* Munching on my MacDonald's Sweet Corn right now...
At least it's sweet, not bitter and sad like this post...
As always, take care and I'll see you soon :)
Updated: 20 Aug 2021
Dazhong Primary School
Bukit View Secondary School
(Diploma in Computer Engineering)
University of Wollongong
(Bachelor of Computer Science - Digital System Security with Distinction)