I'm so incredibly bored in the middle of the night that I decided to write a new blog post. Surprise surprise! Haha! Today was my first day as an official OOC cadet here in SCS. I was briefed on the details about my stay in another bunk in another company. What I was told is that I should be able to have nights out every Wednesday. Today I didn't do anything much other than helping in some COS duties and staying in bunk resting. I couldn't sleep today. I guess there's something bothering me today that made myself feel uneasy. Tomorrow is Wednesday and I should have nights out. I'm currently planning with my friends here about how to use the nights out properly tomorrow. I think it is even possible to just go back home and sleep then book back in early in the morning.
I was into some issues recently that made me unhappy. I was worried, for someone that I shouldn't be worried about. I was doing the job her boyfriend was supposed to do. Her ups and downs became my ups and downs. I lost myself in the process and started expecting things out of it. Well, it did kept me occupied for the past few weeks, which is a good thing I suppose. These past few weeks of talking and being with her, I also felt her change compared to who she was half a year back (and it's not a good change... at least in my opinion)
I started talking to a lot of people, as I felt that I was losing myself. She tells me that she needs me in her life and I was affected by her words. A girl, who was once part of my everyday life, again and again reappearing in my life for the past 6 months. She's strong on the outside but weak on the inside. She puts out a strong front in front of people. When she told me about her problems, I felt compelled to help her. Without realizing that helping her would get myself involved, I fell deep into it. I am always there for her when she needs me. Be it midnight, 3am, afternoon, evening, you name it, I'm always there. I think that also explains why she rely so much on me, even after a few months of communication breakdown between both of us. Even though I thought we made it clear enough 6 months ago that we will not be talking anymore, it didn't change the fact that I still care for her. My heart has a soft side for her, and I just couldn't leave her alone by herself... She's also incredibly lucky I should say, as most of the time when she contact me, I would be quite free. Not to mention I did give her the priority over my personal matters and errands, which may be the reason why I'm free (for her).
She's an avid reader of my blog so I'm sure she will read this post as well.
I tried to talk her into giving her boyfriend up. Not because it would give me the chance to get together with her or anything like that (I don't even want to get together with her anymore. I just want to see her smile, again) But for her own good. There are a few things that I told her and I wished she understood and acted accordingly.
First, life is short too short to waste it on someone who doesn't deserve you. Simply put, he doesn't care! So why must you care so much for someone who doesn't care? Make sense right? Time is precious!
Second, loved ones is more important than work related matters (at least for me). So what if I'm extremely successful in my work life but have lost my loved ones? Your boyfriend spent so much time focusing on his work and neglecting you and your feelings in the process. There's something called work and life balance. His priority is like 90% work and 10% you. Then why should you give him your 100%?
Third, people don't really change. Don't expect someone to change for you, not even your boyfriend. Why? Because everyone reverts to their original self eventually. Let's say he promised to call you every night. He might call everyday for a day, a week or a month. If he's not the type that thinks talking over the phone every night is important like you do, he will stop doing it eventually. What happened can happen again, and it's just the matter of time.. ('Frozen' movie reference, "Because people don't really change")
Forth, maintaining a long distance relationship isn't easy. The only means of communication you have left is just call (be it voice or video), text and that's it. If you can't even communicate with him using these few and scarce means of communication, you are basically screwed...
Fifth, someone who doesn't hold you back is just not the right one. He doesn't even try to hold you back when you suggested that you might leave him for good. He doesn't even need you in his life. Your existence doesn't even mean anything to him. Without you, it's a day. With you, it's still a day. I know I know, people always say if you truly love him or her, you should let him/her go. BUT SERIOUSLY?
Lastly, recognizing that he is not the one for you is actually good for you on the long term. Don't keep telling me that we might die tomorrow. If you think this way, why don't you spend every last bit of your money? Since you MIGHT die tomorrow? There's still a long long way to go, and letting go means giving yourself another chance to get together with someone better!
It's like midnight right now and my eyes are closing on me. I know we will definitely not be talking again for a long time (tell me if I'm wrong), so hopefully this post will serve you good for a long time.
I told her that I might even forget her name after another 6 months. To be honest, I cannot really forget her. I think what I meant by that is putting her at the back of my mind. I'm a person that the things I say doesn't really coincide with how I feel. You should know me well enough to know...
If you go back to my blog post right about 6 months ago, you would have been able to read about my tremendous feelings and emotions for her back then.
Goodnight everyone, and to you (sweet dreams too)
As always, take care and I'll see you soon...
Updated: 31 March 2020
Dazhong Primary School
Bukit View Secondary School
(Diploma in Computer Engineering)
SIM-GE UOW DSS