Loneliness...

It is 1:11am now and I'm bored of playing Counter Strike: Global Offensive...
I'm missing you... and I have no idea why after so long I still do. As usual, I had my evening nap before my dinner. Woke up feeling as if 'you just left me'...

My mind is in complete mess right now. Sometimes I can tell myself not to think about you too much, sometimes I can't. I'm feeling so alone, with no one being able to completely understand what I'm feeling right now. The thought of myself losing you almost instantly spoil my mood. It had been months, and yet I still can't help it. 

Have you received your present yet? >.<

Do you still think of me at times? Or am I completely negligible in your life? 
I know very well that what I'm doing now doesn't help me get closer to you in any way. In fact, I think it will only bring us further. You can easily know what's going on in my life just by reading my blog here. On the other hand, I have no idea what you are doing. 

The feeling of being hopeful but knowing it's hopeless... Can anyone understand how I feel? Who can save me from feeling all these mixed feelings? I know you are being heartless... Even if anything happens to me, you would't even care at all. I really don't mind you being heartless. Despite you not caring for me at all, I'm always here for you in case you need anything... 

I have no idea what would happen to both of us in the future. Would I get back with you? or not? 
The existence of this blog only proves to everyone else how much I really love you, how much I regretted those things I did wrongly in the past, and lastly, how much I want to get back with you. If I didn't get back with you, this blog will serve the purpose of representing my feelings of breaking up with you. It would also be an evidence that I've loved someone deeply, but after trying almost everything, it still didn't work. 

Don't make me fall in love with you if you don't intend on being with me through thick and thin... because when I fall in love, I fall deep. We've been through so many things together. It is hard for me to let go of someone I love and I don't even know whether it is possible or not. This entire incident serves as a similar event when a girl makes me fall in love with her. After almost three years in a relationship, she doesn't want to be with me anymore. Leaving me alone, leaving me to cry silently in sorrow. She suddenly told me EVERYTHING I've done wrong. I guess when someone no longer loves you, they just think of all the negative things about you to tell you. Just to make themselves feel better to think that I'm the one who caused her to lose her feelings for me. While someone else, who had done NOTHING, just makes her think that he is the right person...

I've got a feeling that I'm limiting myself about things I share here... I'll determine the correct time for a little more transparency on my posts. There are just many other things (including pictures) that I really don't have the 'guts' to post here. I know if I post it here, it will... affect you... and myself. 

One day if I post everything up here, it would be the moment that I no longer care about you anymore. 
I personally don't think it will ever happen though...

As always, take care and I'll see you soon...